VOLUME VIII (DIVORCE)

1. A Reason

I haven’t touched myself in months
There has to be a reason why I’m so messed up
There has to be a reason why I can’t let anyone in my bed
And it makes sense after all these months why I can’t connect
After all these months I just need to look away

There has to be a reason why

When you came around the corner,
I told my date I didn’t feel so well
She said stay
I put a cigarette butt into my arm behind the dumpster
With all these smiles around,
I ask what’s wrong with me?

I realize it’s hard to be

And I’ve gone through this war without armor
There’s no reason for it
I stand here with my chest open
My heart beating but it’s broken

 

2. Divorce

How have you been?
Well I was never looking for someone else
Just a little bit of your help
So your race to the finish line to find someone new
Will have to be done all by your lonesome self

Sometimes I wish that we could talk, 
But there’s so many lawyers and paper work between us
And I’ve thought of writing you a letter and leaving it underneath your windshield wiper

My Dad says you never really get over your first divorce
My Dad says it gets worse before it gets any better
And this storm is ringing loud, and this cold snap is a metaphor

My Dad says you never really get over a divorce
And I’ve thought of writing you a letter
And I’ve thought of you

 

3. Sunday

I’m a little sad and alone at the moment
There's always the taste of broken pens
As my life winds up, yours is slowly coming to an end
The crushing sound of air
An image of blank stares
It feels so empty to contemplate my life in a picture frame

The fleeting reeling of uncontrollable shaking,
The fleeting reeling of uncontrollable feelings
It gets to me

How many years can a psyche stand an observation of a life of chance?
And squanderd understandings?
How do we interpret our surroundings with all this miscommunication?
I may shut down and out the people who’ve been around
It’s no longer about my broken hand
It’s how far I can reach my arm in

And how long I can sit with how sad things have gotten
And they don’t let you buy a gun on Sunday,
I’ll have to just wait till Monday
I hope to god I don’t lose my nerve

 

4. The Lonely Buffalo

I feel the universe has turned its back on me
And I’m so sorry, the mistakes I’ve made
I’m sorry I became so ugly

The manager said I should go into some talk therapy
There’s nothing here but bad, bad memories
There’s nothing here to connect you to me
I feel so dead and empty

I don’t even trust me
How could anyone see me?
I don’t see anyone
I don’t know if I will ever feel okay
I guess I’m paying for my mistakes

And my friends ask and I say I still love her
And I still can’t find cover
I need to get away from me

 

5. Ducks

Try not to think about life in any kind of context
It’s a sure fire way to get me down
It gets me down
Walk away from the insane
The quietness is killing us, but there’s only me
So I guess I’m the only one holding any kind of feeling
I see the irony in a lyric
See the sociological aspects of what we’re doing here

And I’ve been feeding the ducks on the pier, standing there as I lose my hair
Gain strength through their simple understanding
And I’ve been dancing like you were never here

Dating after divorce is a chore for the reluctant one
See the future of everyone around
On the bus, in a choir, at the gym, at your very first political sit-in
But it doesn’t involve me
At least not as far as I can see

Try not to sink into sadness on my lunch break
Try not to fall apart in the evening
Act like I don’t listen, when I hear every word
The sounds of bird chirps and police sirens

 

6. Twist

I twist like the flimsiest piece of paper
In a thunderstorm
In the wreckage that you created
And I’ve been trying to sleep through the night
And I’ve been trying to get some sleep tonight
And I’ve been trying to piece together the past
But I don’t think it will ever make any sense
Nor would I want it to
Delete this image I have of you

And I mourn the death of our marriage

And I twist like the flimsiest piece of paper
In a thunderstorm,
In the wreckage you created
I’ve been washing the dishes
I enjoy the heat from the sink
Well I lift weights; I eat healthy, I watch TV, 
Try to sleep, wake up, go to work
Write poems on a cocktail napkin,
Leave it for the waitress,
Say I’m sorry it’s all I can tip with

And I’ve been waiting for this time to end

 

7. In the Morning

I’ve had a cold, since I started this chapter
And I’m always looking for a new place to be warm
And I’ve been using my humidifier, 
It leaves this thin film of dew on the concrete floor

And the mornings are now so confusing,
Now that I don’t get to awake to the sound of your hair dryer

And I pretend and I lie,
That I’m the most charismatic guy at this stupid fucking party
And when someone new comes up and tries to talk to me
I swing into the breeze expecting you to be there,
But you’re not, and I just go into a complete shock
And I just lie and nod,
Like I really care

And I can’t taste the flavor of rain in this spring shower
Not that you would care

 

8. Truth?

And I bounce in and out and over and over again
I’m pretty sure that’s not how you treat friends
Everything I thought of you turns out not to be true
I wanted you to have success not be a complete mess
I can’t look at this anymore; I need to get out
 And in my car and out of Colorado
I try to say fuck it and look away
But how can I? When we shared a bed for over five years?

Everything I thought turns out not to be true
Everything I thought of you turns out not to be true
Everything that I thought was true,
Turns out not to be

And I don’t care what it takes
And I don’t care if leaving is a mistake
It’s not like I can’t kill myself in another state
Those cards always seem to be on the table
And my nerves hurt so bad, 
I’ve called my Mom and I’ve called my Dad
I’ve looked for comfort under blankets
It can be so soft it hurts

And my brain is raked as badly as my body
I lost seven pounds in forty-eight hours

 

9. Color Me Blue

I wish I could feel something but the bitter taste of steel
And I wish I wasn’t alone outside of my empty apartment
What do you look at? And what do you don’t?
If I stare at this black, black hole you know I become it

I understand the meaning of that color now
And I wish that i could feel your dry hands again

And I remember that very first dinner
In that new town that we had just moved in
I remember your text message in that plane ride I just arrived in
I remember you talking of the color blue

Well you can color me blue
Do you understand the meaning of that color now?

 

10. Scared

I would never lie to anyone about it,
(Why did you have to?)
That I will always love you
(Turn your beautiful feathers into rusty switchblades?)
No matter the terrible things you do

But you didn’t seem to have much of a problem
But I’m not interested in finding you

Because you scare me
Because you really scared me
Because you turned your feathers into switchblades